Beyond the Disability

It often feels like my life is defined by before and after Kai.  My life has changed so radically since Kai's birth that at times it's hard to remember what the before was like.  What I was like.  Nothing hits home more than running into people I knew from before and having them not even glance at me because they are too busy staring at my sweet, innocent boy--who yes, is different.  It was a crowded event, and by the time I recognized the gawker, she had already moved away, swallowed by the sea of people. 

 I get that Kai is a spectacle with his ventilator, oxygen, tubing, stroller laden with bags, and his red eye--I really do.  I just wish that people would see beyond all that, to Kai himself.  It shocked me that this person didn't even glance up to me.  She stared at Kai as she passed us going the other way.  In many ways I have become numb to it, but when it is someone I know--it rips into the soul.  Look not at the disability, look at the child.  Look at his parents.  We're people.  We laugh, we cry, we have hopes and dreams. 

Before, I wanted to be a therapist.  I had aspirations of moving out of this state and pursuing my graduate degree and my career.  I worked.  I had friends--friends I did things with.  I had plans to travel the world. 

After, my schooling and career have taken a backseat temporarily, and, I think that I would rather go into nursing than therapy.  I have found that I have an aptitude for nursing--I have been called a natural by a few doctors and nurses.  For now, we are laying down roots in this state.  We have everything set for Kai's care.  We enjoy this end of the valley.  I have friends, maybe I don't do much with them, but I have friends who have stood by me through this whole mess, and new friends I'm gaining along the way.  I'm not as social as I used to be, and I believe that I am more grounded and serious than before.  Although there are times that I feel very very alone. 

But guess what?  After isn't the end of my life.  I have traveled the world, and I plan to do more traveling.  Even though I am home with the kids right now--it is where I want to be.  Perhaps circumstances dictated it in the beginning, but I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.  I still have plans and hopes and dreams.  My bucket list has a few items checked off, but there are many items still left.  Kai's disabilities threw us a curve ball, but we haven't struck out of the game. 

So please, if you see a special needs person, don't stare.  Look at them in the eyes and smile.  If applicable, look to their caretaker and give them a smile too.  That's all you have to do.  A smile means that you see them--not just their disability.  For that small gesture, you may lighten someone's heart.  I know it would mine.