Forty consecutive nights with a nurse. It feels like a dream; one we used to take for granted, and now finally, a reality again. For more than six months we have been sleep-deprived through nurse-less nights. I would stay up anywhere from three to four-thirty in the morning, then J would take over, and wake me up as he went into work for the day. Needless to say, I was tired. Then I got pregnant, which pushed me past the realm of tired to utterly exhausted. Still, we persevered. The worst month was January, where we had a whopping seventeen nights without a nurse, with Kai just having had major surgery and in slow recovery. That was the month I got pregnant. I joked to those in the know that J and I had to do something to help keep us awake. Wink wink.
After wrapping my head around the idea of four children, we began to get really excited. We decided that since it would be our last child that we wouldn't find out the gender beforehand. Normally, J won't even entertain the idea of names until the 20-week ultrasound when the gender is generally discovered, but he was as engaged as I was as I went through names during some of those long nights. In fact, we had even pretty much agreed on names: one for a girl, one for a boy.
I originally had my first prenatal appointment on a Thursday, but J had a conference he was attending that weekend, so I changed the appointment to the following Tuesday so he could come to the appointment with me and hear the heartbeat.
That Saturday, I had an appointment to get my hair done. My mom had taken the girls overnight, and since J was at the conference, I took Kai with me to the appointment. I didn't think anything of it. I hauled him in and out of the car, as well as his adapted stroller and all his equipment. Everything was normal. After my appointment I spent some time at my mom's house, picked up the girls, and went home. I started Kai's feeding with the intention that once his feeding was done, heading back out to the store for a birthday present for my nephew, and then go to the party. However, when I took a bathroom break, I discovered I was lightly bleeding.
I texted my sister (who has had several miscarriages and is a nurse), and her advice was to rest. So, I contacted J, who was almost done with the conference, and he came home right away. He took the girls to the party while I stayed home with Kai. The bleeding stopped and I heaved a big sigh of relief.
The next morning, however, as I was getting ready for church, the bleeding returned, a bit heavier. I stayed home from church and we called the on-call doctor. The advice was to rest. He gave me some hope that I wasn't miscarrying, saying that since I wasn't bleeding heavily and passing tissue, that it could just be a placental abruption and could repair itself.
I took it easy for the day, resting as much as I could, with the bleeding remaining about the same. Around eight I started cramping and went into the bathroom, where the real miscarriage began. At that point I knew what was happening. I will spare you the details, but I sobbed during those long hours. It wasn't until after four in the morning that the cramping and bleeding stopped enough for me to sleep.
My baby, never held or seen, was gone. It was devastating, both physically and emotionally. It doesn't matter that he/she wasn't born yet. A life is a life, and a loss is a loss. The idea of a miscarriage had never entered my mind, and that baby had already wormed itself into my heart. For a week afterward I was barely functional--physically and emotionally. I was grieving. However, each day was a little better than the day before.
Family and friends who knew were super supportive, and I am grateful beyond words for their love and support. We hadn't told many people of the pregnancy--we were waiting until after the first appointment, although I already had our Facebook announcement ready to go (see picture above--I wanted to see how long it would take people to figure it out).
The next weekend we went to California for my niece's baby blessing. The trip helped me immensely, and while I still feel the loss, it's not crippling like it was in the beginning. My doctor said that up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I know many women who have been through it. The number is so much higher than I would have ever thought. I admire their strength. I don't think that it's something that is talked about enough. Miscarriages are often dismissed, but shouldn't be; that baby was real to me, as was the loss. The toll that it took on me was something I never expected.
While we were in California, we received a phone call from another nursing company, one that we had been working with for several months to get switched from our current company. We had been working toward integrating the two nursing companies so that we would have full coverage between the two, but they had a patient pass away and were able to cover Kai at 100%.
It worked out perfectly, because we had three unscheduled nights in the next week (this week), which are now covered. It came at an unfortunate time, since the old nursing company changed schedulers, and the new scheduler had been getting some unassigned shifts filled. Change is hard and scary, and other than the coverage issues, we were happy with the old nursing company. I tend to grow quite attached after more than four years.
The new nursing company does things a bit differently, and yesterday was a whirlwind of information. However, Kai is going to have a primary nurse who seems like he is going to be excellent. Despite everything we are excited for the change (and the sleep!). Our old nursing company said we are welcome back any time, so if things don't work out with the new one, we can always switch back.
Spring is now here. Change is in the air. I will work on getting myself back into shape, and with some family vacations coming up, there is much to look forward to. Who knows, maybe even a baby announcement later this year... ;-)
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