Faith

I recently had a conversation with my sister in which we were talking about babies.  She noticed that I have been pinning a bunch of baby things on Pinterest and was teasing me about it.  In all seriousness I told her that while we are not excluding the possibility of having another child, the time is not now.

Then tonight J and I were watching the latest episode of Bones.  Throughout the episode, Boothe had been going to the hospital and everything was kept really secretive, which got both the viewer and the characters worried that something was going on with Boothe or one of his kids.  At the end of the episode, we find out that Boothe had set up a carnival for kids with NF (Neurofibromatosis), and had been volunteering there.  He didn't want anyone to know because "charity should not be puffed up...real charity is anonymous."  Brennen was explaining to Cam that he didn't even want her (Brennen) to know.  Cam said that she had been worried about Christine (Boothe and Brennen's daughter) and Brennen said something that really hit me.  She said, "no, but she could.  It could happen to anyone."  

It could happen to anyone.  

I have accepted that I have a special needs child.  It was a hard road to acceptance, and every once in a while I will slip and wish for a normal life, but for the most part, I am happy.  I have a wonderful husband, and two beautiful children.  We have a home in a good neighborhood.  We have fabulous neighbors.  We have friends and family who love us.

I don't know how it is for other women out there, but for me, I feel that there is at least one more child waiting to come to our family--we are not yet complete.  The feeling is very strong...but I am afraid.  After two very rough pregnancies and tiny babies, I am afraid of what might happen with a third.  I have been assured by many doctors in various fields that what happened with Kai and Zuri are random events.  There was nothing that I did or didn't do that caused what happened to happen...but there is a small part of me that wonders if I had just eaten a little more broccoli and a little less ice cream...  

I have heard other moms of special needs children express a similar sentiment...there is a guilt inherent in having a child with special needs.  How I wish it weren't so!  These little angels are miracles from heaven.  I wouldn't trade what I have been given with Kai for anything. 

I have seen some of the best come out in people.  We were in Ikea and Kai's stroller wouldn't fit through an aisle, so a man and his older children actually moved some furniture out of the way so we could get through (I wasn't even going to attempt it, but he said they would make room for us).   People are a little bit kinder.  I have been able to connect with people on a deeper level than I would have ever believed.  Even with people who haven't had children with special needs. 

It could happen to anyone.   It happened to us.  I don't want fear to hold us back from our life.  If Kai continues to be stable and live a long life, then no time would be a "good" time to have another child.  I remember a General Conference talk a couple years ago (October 2011), Elder Neil A. Anderson asked a very poignant question involving families and children that has stuck with me.  He asked, "where is your faith?"  It was an answer to a prayer whether more children in the future was a possibility.  I knew at that moment that we will have more children when the time is right.  We just have to have faith.

PS This is in no way, shape or form an announcement, just something that has been on my mind